I don’t write in this space as often as I once did. Life, man, life.
But today, I have the flu! Wait-that didn’t transition as well as I thought it would. For real though, things are looking up- I just popped my 3rd Tamiflu and I’ve got some time to catch up in this space. My sweet husband-turned-nurse has set me up in quarantine in our bedroom with an appropriate bag of snacks that include mini Chips Ahoy and Nilla Wafers (have mercy, I love that man) which means I can finally finish this post I started writing back in December.
So my last post was mucho sad, I know. I just re-read it and the sting of that season, of that moment is real. Right after that post, I took a bag and my sad self to New York for a few days. It was a work trip but there was free time that I used to explore some of the places in the city I hadn’t seen before. My hotel was in Midtown close to a great restaurant, The Smith, and a couple of blocks from St Patricks Cathedral-perfect, I’d never been there.
So I planned a morning outing to hit both and maybe even see the Saks 5th Ave Holiday windows. Before I boarded the plane to NYC I told myself that this trip was a good chance to work through the circumstance of our failed match. This would be a chance to dig deep with God on what was next. Best way to do that is with waffles. Clearly. Making the most of my one-woman reservation for breakfast, I ordered my big waffle (and a side of bacon-because, bacon)-I pulled out my phone and googled-“When God doesn’t answer you.” Listen. I’ve talked him to death and he wasn’t answering (said the self centered needy requester). It was time to double down. Google and Jesus were going to give me some answers darn it.
While I waited for my waffles, I scrolled through some posts about waiting, closed doors/opening windows, etc. Then I got totally distracted because the couple next to me picked up a knife and fork to cut and eat their biscuit. Bless it. God gave us hands so that we may enjoy the fullness and abundance of a yummy buttery biscuit by PICKING IT UP and bringing it to our face. #AmIRight?
With exaggeration, I picked up my own biscuit and kept Google scrolling. There were some good teachings, good commentary with Bible truths that I needed, and there were a few sappy quotes. But then I found this excerpt from my main man, Oswald Chambers.
“A wonderful thing about God’s silence is that His stillness is contagious-it gets into you, causing you to become perfectly confident so you can honestly say, ‘I know that God has heard me.’ His silence is very proof that He has.”
He has heard me. I haven’t asked in the wrong way. It’s not that I haven’t asked enough. I don’t need to ask with more conviction or find more spiritually moving-language. I don’t need to drive myself mad looking for signs, dreams, wind patterns or rainbows to try and decipher his answer.
I walked over to St Pats and the expansive-ness of the inside was overwhelming. I took it all in and then walked to the front, sat down in a pew up close. There were so many things happening inside, tourists, pictures, people kneeling, gift shop in the back-there were no less than 150 people in there with me. Yet. It was silent. Big. Open. Sacred. Full. And Silent. The holy was bigger than the hustle.
I have asked. He has heard me.
And I trust Him. In that, I rest. I’ve been trying to rest in the anticipation of his answer. But peace is when I can rest, not in the answer, but in the knowledge that the Creator has heard my prayer. In knowing that the holy is bigger than the anxious. The holy is bigger than the frantic. The holy is bigger than the timeline. The holy is bigger.
And knowing that, makes this wait well-er with my soul. It’s my blog-I can make up words.
“But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, because he has not rejected my prayer or removed his steadfast love from me!” Psalm 66: 19-20
You can find this bracelet here-proceeds benefit a friend’s non profit, Madison’s Closet.